duality

There is something so innately human about the struggle between what we have and what we don't, what we want and what we need. Either we know what we want, and we want it NOW... or we have no idea what we want and we sit in a stupor hoping someone else will tell us what to want.

I know what I want. I want for much. Not everything I want is important to everyone, but it is to me. There are some things I want that I cannot have- things that I have been denied for whatever reason. Either it is simply not possible, or there is an obstacle in the way. But how can you know if that obstacle is just a roadblock or the end of a cliff?

The biggest struggle for me is when every puzzle piece seems to fit just right. Everything seems to fall into place. Everyone thinks it's a grand idea. And then someone comes and slides that puzzle off the table. Maybe it was even a friend of yours, who worked on the puzzle with you, every step of the way. And when they turn to talk to you, their elbow pushes all your hard work right over the edge, laying on the ground in ruins.

Maybe they didn't mean to. You hope to God that they didn't mean to. You pray that they really had good intentions all along. You don't want to be mad, you just want the problem fixed.

But when you spend all your days convincing yourself that the problem is incurable, that the disease has spread too far to be contained... that no matter how much you like this thing and want this thing, you shouldn't have it because once you do, something could go wrong... that's not living.

You may even think you're holding yourself back for someone else's sake. But when you're in this together, there's no reason to hesitate. If something goes wrong, yes, that's sad. But when you live out the situation to its full potential, you at least know you've done all you can... instead of throwing everything away without seeing it through to the end.

I find myself wavering back and forth between the things that I want and the things that I need. Sometimes, I can't tell the difference between the two. Often, they're intertwined, serving each other.

All that I know are the things that I want. The things I can't have right now. The frustration I feel when that is made so painfully clear. When the difficulty of the situation or aspiration is revealed.

Will I stop chasing my wants, my hopes and dreams?

Hell no.

There's no point to a journey when you don't have some destination in mind.